My entire life is one complicated drinking game
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize