did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
