wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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