He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
