i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
