i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
