When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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