The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
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