I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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