The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Never underestimate the power of titties
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
