My underwear smells like fireworks.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
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...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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