remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize