1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
