i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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