I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
