I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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