If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
