your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
