i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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