.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
