Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
