Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
