paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
