Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
