My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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