I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
