I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
