I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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