Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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