One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
