u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
