i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Everclear isn't food dammit
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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