just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
