the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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