So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
