no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
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isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
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he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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