Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
