There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
