I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
