dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
