Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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