I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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