I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize
