I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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