I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
