I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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