I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize