You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
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Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
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He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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