i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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