All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
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could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
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That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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