Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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