So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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