Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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