nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
