If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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