i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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