I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
